My youth.
So, wait. She just canceled on you?
She was about to. Then she got interrupted by her boss.
- It's messed up. - You know what?
Who needs her whole fancy presentation and her board of directors?
I make an honest living and I pay my taxes. Most of the time.
Let me tell you something, Dom. I agree with you.
I'm an American, too and I agree with your plight, brother.
I second that.
Yeah, we got your back.
- What's good with you, Mike? - What up?
So, how did it go between Candace and your mom?
It was...
I'm slowing things down with Michael.
- Why? - He already has a woman in his life.
Oh, that son of a bitch. Who is it?
- His mama. - What?
My mom thinks she's nice.
Yeah, right. No woman has ever been good enough for your mom.
You think the first one she gonna root for is the baby mama?
- Good luck with that. - Listen to this.
"Could we reschedule beach day? I promised to take my mom to choir practice."
I can't do that to myself again, and I won't do that to Duke.
We both deserve a man who's all in.
Well, then set your standards.
Oh, my God, I can't believe I'm quoting anything from that silly little book.
You tell Michael that you don't want to come in between him and his mother
and that if he wants to continue dating you,
then you must be a priority in his life.
She's had him his whole life. I can't compete with that.
Well, then dump the first man you've met in three years
that genuinely cares about you and Duke.
Wait a minute, there's no such thing as a perfect man, right?
What do you have to lose?
Isn't that what you've been preaching to me all night?
Okay.
I will if you will.
It was the darkest hour.
The guys were under a full-scale attack.
But everything changed on D-Day.
Okay, tell me something. How does it feel to officially be a free man?
Great. Okay, listen,
- I can do whatever I want... - Okay.
- ...whenever I want, with whoever I want. - Okay.
I'm free from all the "tie-ranny"...
- It's "tyranny". - Will you shut up, Bennett?
- Let him finish what he's saying! - I just want you to have proper grammar.
All right! I'm free from all the tyranny and oppression.
And nagging from all women for good. You hear me?
Matter of fact, only woman I want to talk to tonight
is dancing butt-naked down at the Ass Factory.
What happened to the Sweaty Crack?
- They got shut down. Health-code violations. - Heard about that.
But here's the thing, I like the Ass Factory better,
'cause the girls down there are nasty. But they're my kind of nasty.
Ced! Ced.
Don't judge me! I'm going through a divorce, homie.
Hey, yo, Lauren confirmed our date tomorrow.
I thought you and that Lauren was done.
Why you all in the man's business?
I thought my man said he was done with Lauren.
You are whipped!
- He's worse than Mike. - Chill with that "worse than Mike."
- You wanna hear a good story? - No.
Ced, tell them about the night you saved it with Gail.
I'll take this goddamn bottle and knock your face off, you bring Gail up again.
I don't wanna talk about Gail! All I want to talk about is titties and ass!
Yo, it's Candace. Should I take it?
No, man! Here, give me the phone. Bros before hos.
Hello. Candace. Hey, what's up, girl?
- Michael. - I was just thinking 'bout you.
No, hi, I thought I'd get your voicemail.
No, you got me, baby.
Listen, Michael.
We need to talk.
Ladies, few words are more menacing than the dreaded four, "We need to talk".
Now, that means one of two things, that we did something wrong
or, you, literally, want to talk.
- She wants to talk. - That's a new one.
That's bad, dude.
Good! I hope she talk your damn head off.
Is it ever a good sign when a woman wants to talk?
No. Not in my house anymore.
Kris used to be fun and chill, and now she's just in my face all the time,
nagging, harping, like, "What are your short-term goals?
"What are your long-term goals? Jeremy, what's your view on relationships?"
Like, I'm in the middle of a game of Call of Duty...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, run that back. What did you just say?
What, the long-term goals, short... Please, don't make
- me repeat... - Yes, that's crazy. You know what?
Candace asked me those exact same questions on our first date.
Mya asked me the same thing.
So did Lauren.
You know what? You know who asked me that question?
Not a goddamn soul! 'Cause strippers don't ask me shit!
Listen to what she said to me the other day. She said, "I'm not your sports fish."
What is a sports fish?
A trophy girl. You show her off to your buddies.
What the hell are you talking about, Bennett?
I was watching Oprah.
- Why are you watching Oprah? - I like Oprah.
Man, you gotta say "no homo" when you say shit like that at a divorce party.
She had Steve Harvey on the show.
He wrote some book. It's for women, but it's about men.
- Family Feud Steve Harvey? - I heard something about that.
He threw us under the bus like that? That's uncouth. I wouldn't do that.
I thought Steve Harvey was kind of my nigga, but...
- Me, too. - What?
- You, too, what? - I didn't say anything.
Just tell me exactly what he says in the book.
A whole bunch of shit.
All right, this is why we're ruining my party. 'Cause of that information.
I got it online, here we go. I got a review...
I got to get my hands on that book.
No, you're not gonna do it now.
- You said bros before hos. - One second.
Exactly! Guess what? Your bro need a ho!
Let me tell you something, I got a pocket full of ones
and I ain't got no goddamn drawers on.
I didn't wear no drawers tonight.
Now y'all supposed to be my wing men. Right now, fly with me!
Celebrate, men! Get your... Fly with me, men! Goddamn it!
This ain't good.
Yes, hello, we're looking for a book called...
Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.
Everywhere? Thanks.
Said they've been sold out for, like, a week.
- Good. - Can't be sold out everywhere.
- They don't even have it on eBay. - It's the power of Oprah.
I think I got something. Okay, cool. Where's San Pablo?
Border of Oregon.
That's not gonna work.
- Looks like we tried. - Hello. Right now?
Tomorrow is another day. We can tackle it then.
- Let's go, men. Strip club time! - Y'all take me to my mama house?
Driver, can we go to my house?
I thought you said you was gonna cancel that with your mama.
Have you ever tried canceling on my mom, Ced?
I'm gonna say this since don't nobody else wanna say it, Michael.
You ever try heterosexuality?
Mom!
Got your favorite.
- Smelling good, too. - Look at that, huh?
Let me get some chicken. Let me get some chicken!
Stop. And the onions, you know I love the sautéed onions, and the cornbread.
I know. I'm gonna get you a plate, but clear all this off, first.
All right, all right. And make sure that sweet potato pie...
I will, little boy, you just clear the counter.
Mom, what is this?
That's that book by that big-head boy that's on that Family Feud thing.
Act Like something, Think Like something else.
It's the new read for my book club.
Every war has its turning point.
In the Civil War, it was the Battle of Gettysburg.
World War Il, it was the Invasion of Normandy.
The definitive turning point in this war was that night at Loretta's house.
It was like finding the Holy Grail.
Jeremy. Tell them to turn the bus around.
The power had just shifted in our favor. But we didn't know that yet.
"Why Men Do What They Do." Look at this, guys.
Steve Harvey is a traitor.
Look, "Mama's Boys." Chapter 7. That's you.
I'm not a Mama's Boy.
Jer, you don't think I'm a Mama's Boy, do you?
- Nah. - Listen to this.
"Men respect standards, get some." I prefer my women not to have standards.
In fact, if I've got to choose, I'm gonna choose the woman who has no standards.
Hold up. "Until a man achieves his goals, or is on the road to,
"you will never be number one in his life."
See, that's not even true.
I've achieved absolutely nothing and I still put my women first.
- This is sick. - It's brainwashing, I'm telling you.
She's trying to push me towards my dreams and help me accomplish my goals.
Why would she do this?
Shit, at least you're getting some.
Ninety days, that's not a probation, that's a death sentence.
Hell, yeah, I want to taste your yams.
Hey, Mike, how old is your mom?
What?
No, not like that. No, it is. It is like that. How old is she?
I come in the house, she's like, "You want to eat?" I said, "Eat what?"
Yo, first of all, put my plate down and stop hitting on my mom, man.
Don't get mad at me! I don't even wanna be here.
Y'all the ones that wanna be here, I want to go to the strip club!
Man, wrap this up. I got a bunch of ones, and somebody gonna get them.
Ms. Loretta! I'm ready for the rest of the tour.
You guys are so screwed. And honestly, there's nothing you can do about it.
Maybe we can.
They got our playbook, man. They know all of our maneuvers.
Yeah, but they don't know that we know that they know our maneuvers.
You see why I don't hang out with Jeremy by himself?
I don't ever know what he's talking about.
Guys! It's like the Patriots, when Bill Belichick stole the Jets' plays.
- Right, and they got busted. - Yeah, but they won the game.
And where'd they end up? The Super Bowl.
I wish I knew what you was talking about.
We use Steve Harvey's words against them.
We pretend to give them what they want so we get what we want.
We lie to them.
Exactly. This is war, gentlemen. There are no rules.
Like the great Khan once said, not Genghis,
I'm talking about the Latin guy from Star Trek Il.
"Revenge is a dish best served cold."
Michael, I need to get something off my chest.
You know what? Before you get something off your chest,
I gotta get something off my chest.
You know I can be a bit of a Mama's Boy?
I think it really all started when my dad died.
It was a rough time for us, you know?
And my mom just started relying on me for so many things. Too many things.
You know, I had to be the man of the house at a really young age
and I guess maybe that's why we're so close.
Michael.
And I guess, I guess what I'm trying to say is this.
I want you to be the number one woman in my life.
It was like taking a test you already had the answers to.
You're my priority, Candace. All right?
Yeah.
All right. Now, you said you wanted to talk about something.
Did I?
The women had no chance. They were like putty in our hands.
So, I just updated my résumé, and sent it off to Neversoft.
Really?
You're serious?
I was intrigued by a job posting I saw in Adweek and I thought,
"Why not go for it, Jeremy? You have nothing else to lose."
Baby, that's awesome, that's wonderful. I'm so proud of you.
- Oh, my God. - Don't get too excited, okay?
It's just a feeler. Probably won't even call me in.
No, you're selling yourself short.
Jeremy, you were the best in your class at Parsons, you're a brilliant designer.
No. You're a brilliant artist. They'd be lucky to have you.
I'm lucky to have you.
You are?
You know what I was just thinking?
What?
Nobody's had sex on this couch yet.
What?
- No, it's a virgin couch. - Really?
What do you think we should do about that?
There's about 10 things I think we can do about that.
Only 10?
You'll be crying out like a bitch after three.
Now I'm scared.
I love this couch.
After careful study, Dominic realized there was only one man
who could impress the Alpha Female.
"The Guy With Potential." Zeke.
- What? - I have to show her I'm a man with a plan.
- Well, just make some shit up, dude. - No.
- Remember that restaurant idea I had? - Yeah.
I need you to help me with a business plan.
Cook for her. Dummy.
I already did. Breakfast.
I ain't talking about no breakfast, boy! Something fancy, Dom.
Like, like one of them dishes with an apostrophe in it.
Is that your robe?
Yeah.
Man, you here again?
Yes! Ass Factory don't open up 'til 10:00, so I got time to waste.
- Bitch, move in already. - What'd you say?
I'm sorry if I want to be around my friends when I'm going through a divorce.
What was I thinking?
You're something else, boy.
Look, Gail used to love it when I would cook for her. It turned her on.
You can do all types of things in the kitchen.
We had a little food thing that we would do.
I would go and get some chocolate-covered strawberries, right?
Then I would come downstairs, I have a G-string on.
You know what I'm talking about. She used to love it.
So, the game was "Balance the Berry."
I would put it on the...
But the way it's...
The berry ain't gonna stay there for long. The berry wouldn't stay on, so...
The point that I'm making is this, Dom.
Food is your art. Stick with what you know.
It's good milk, Zeke.
He's right.
It's on.
- It's over. - Wait, what happened?
Dominic's car broke down.
I have to go pick him up?
So? Calm down. Do you know how many times
I had to pick you up when your Jag broke down?
Save it, Candace.
The man is a loser.
And I'm the fool who slept with him. On the first night.
Which is a memory he will have to cherish for the rest of his life
because it is never happening again. Never.
Hey, beautiful.
Dominic.
You look beautiful.
Yeah, you've mentioned that.
- Would you like a glass of wine? - Actually, I came over here...
It's a Chateau Montelena, 2006.
That won first place in the Judgment of Paris back in '76.
Actually, it was a '73 Chardonnay that won,
but I've heard this one is better.
It was a gift.
But I wanted to save it for a special occasion.
Well, thank you.
So,
to tonight.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
This is good.
Yeah, there's more.
You did all this for me?
Good evening, madam.
Wild...
- Goddamn. - Man...
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Wild Mushroom en "Croût"?
Croûte.
Croûte?
Thank you.
- Enjoy your dinner. - Thanks.
I really wanted to change your association of me with hors d'oeuvres.
So, what do you think?
Amazing.
So are you.
Thank you.
And look at the stars.
Make a wish.
Okay.
Aren't you gonna make one?
No need.
And on that same night, Zeke was on an entirely different kind of mission.
Dude, don't tell me what I said. I know what I said.
- But I'm telling you, I'm done with her. - What?
I'm not competing with this 90-Day Rule.
You have the ammo.
Babe, I'm going upstairs.
All right, listen.
Use "how men show their love" against her to get the cookie.
You profess. Call her your girlfriend.
Bro, stop it. Do you have any idea what I've been through?
I'm sick of picking up checks and opening doors,
and talking about our feelings and our childhoods.
It's like the 1950s, man! I just want to hit.
And if she thinks I'm gonna wait 71 more days just to get the cookie,
- she gonna be waiting by herself. - You kept count?
I'm not counting, but you're gonna know the amount of day...
You really like her.
No, bro, trust me on this. I am done, okay?
I'm ending it tonight.
Yeah, have fun on your date.
I bet you I dump her 90-day ass.
Hey.
Listen.
Mya, about tonight...
Okay, I have a surprise.
You do?
Yeah, I got us tickets to see John Legend at Nokia Theatre.
Okay, that's cool.
Yeah.
- Okay. - Okay. So, let's go.
So, I hope you don't get mad at me,
but my uncle is a music producer and I passed him your CD.
You took my CD?
Yes. And the three pieces of gum that were stuck to it.
Okay, you know what? I was looking for that gum.
You know I'm done with the music industry, right? I love what I do.
Okay, Zeke, he's not trying to sign you, though.
He wants some new songs for some albums that he's working on.
Yeah, well, my album went Plat-none, okay?
I mean, two people heard it and both of them were relatives.
Okay, but I was raving about it, and he decided to check it out.
You should've been my manager.
Zeke!
Super Freak Zeke! What up, baby?
- Man, hey, what's up... Xavier! - What up, baby.
Oh, my goodness. Baby, this is Zeke. This is the guy that taught me the move.
The Chimichanga! He was the one who taught me.
Hey, this is my lady, Crystal.
Hey, what's going on, Crystal? How you doing?
Oh, my bad. Xavier, this is...
Now ladies, if a man simply introduces you as his friend,
then please understand, you are nothing more than his friend.
See, if a man has a plan for you in his future, then he's gonna profess it.
He's gonna attach a title to it.
You're gonna be his woman, his lady, his fiancée, or...
My girlfriend, Mya.
Zeke realized the man could get a hell of a lot further,
with one well-placed profession than with six carefully planned dates.
Oh, my God.
I think we should stop.
I have to get up early.
So, I better go.
Okay.
Good night!
Well, I could walk you to...
No, I got this. I'm good, good night!
The guys may have lost some battles, but they were winning the war.
I'm telling you, Gina. It worked.
He's finally stepping up and looking for a better job.
Family Feud knows what he's talking about?
Changing the game.
How does this affect the 90-Day Rule?
The 90-Day Rule is what got me to this point.
It's just, I was saying that I'm not opposed to amending it,
you know, for good behavior.
Like changing his Facebook status?
Yeah, see, that's good behavior,
but the cookies don't come out of the cookie jar
for anything less than the three magic words.
I hope you guys are ready for some fun in the sun.
Oh, yeah, some fun in the sun.
Oh, wait. Baby, should you get that? It's work.
Yeah, it's okay.
No! Why would I answer work calls when I'm with y'all two?
- Don't worry about work. - Yeah, no work.
- You okay back there, Duke? - Yeah.
All right, now you got your license, too? 'Cause you're driving back, right?
I'm just joking.
Such a romantic.
Things were almost going too well.
The guys had forgotten that they were even at war.
All right, thanks a lot, everybody. Once again, I'm Danny Vola.
Go up there and sing. Come on, you should go...
No. I ain't sang in years, you sit down.
Wait, slow down! Okay, Duke!
- All right, you got this. - Be careful!
I'm about to get you a motorcycle now, the way you're going, baby.
Oh, you want some?
Sorry that took so long, babe. One of the guys needed a little of my advice.
Where were we?
Right here.
But then things started to backfire.
What ever happened with that job at Neversoft?
I forgot to tell you, I heard through the grapevine they filled the position.
Really?
Yeah.
That's weird,
'cause I heard from Sarah's little brother...
- Yeah? - ...on Linkedln.
And he said that the position was still open.
- Really? - Yeah.
And that he was gonna personally recommend you to his boss.
Except your résumé's not on file.
What?
I've been waiting this whole time.
You know what? I had to reset the modem the other day.
I bet you the email didn't go through.
Yeah, I'll fix it in the morning.
The Internet?
Yeah, it happens all the time.
Kris?
The truth was catching up to them.
I'll miss you.
That's me, all right. I'll see you.
Okay.
James?
- James Merrill? - Lauren Harris.
Wow, look at you.
Look at you.
You are like a fine wine. You just get better with age, don't you?
And you get smoother. What are you doing in LA?
I'm checking out a sublet. Yeah, I was just promoted CEO of Sensala.
- Wow. - Yeah, yeah.
I'm relocating to LA.
- You're kidding? - No.
Well, I can't imagine Nina ever wanting to leave Chicago.
Yeah, well, that's because she's not.
We're finalizing our divorce.
- Really? - Yeah.
- I'm sorry. - No, no, it's all right.
- We're friendly. - That's good.
But what about you? I mean, are you engaged? Married?
No. Not married or engaged.
Really?
Just dating, but nothing serious.
Well then, why don't we go to dinner?
Sure.
Let's do it. I mean, let's do dinner.
Well, you have to call me.
- Got the same number? - Same number.
- All right. - Use it.
- Tomorrow night. - Absolutely.
- Like the car. - Me, too.
Love the body.
On the car.
- I hate to trouble you... - Go away!
I saw this episode last night at Mom's. This joint is hilarious.
Wait, I thought you got called back into work last night.
Oh, yeah, last night I got called back into work,
but remember, I told you I had to stop by my mom's
to drop off the stuff that she had put at my... I told you that, babe.
- No, no, I don't think you... - Give me a kiss, baby. You don't be listening.
And the lies were starting to add up.
Listen, my mom's planning a really big family reunion.
- I'd love it if you could come. - Whatever you want, baby.
- Really? - Yeah.
I mean, the only bad thing is if your mom and grandma are as fine as you,
you might have some competition over there.
Come here.
Cool!
It's at the park, in Culver City.
There's gonna be a trampoline and barbecue.
These walls have ears. Duke, please go back to bed.
So, it's gonna be the 20th and it's gonna be so great.
We're gonna have these cotton candy machines...
- The 20th of this month? - Carousels...
Baby, I can't make the 20th.
Why?
Well, actually, I promised my mom. It's her church anniversary, so I promised...
Really? You gotta be kidding me!
Good night, Duke!
Baby, I'm gonna see what I can do, all right?
- Okay. - I'm gonna make it happen.
Come here, girl, come here.
Turns out, the only problem in pretending to step up is,
well, sometimes, you actually have to.
Yo, watch this right here. Hold it, this is about to jump...
Okay, what?
Okay, okay, okay. I wanted to wait until we had proper drinks,
but I talked to my uncle last night,
and he listened to your CD, and he loved it.
And he's obsessed with number seven, and they want to meet with you on Tuesday!
Congratulations!
Oh, my God. You did this for me?
No, you did it. You left it all on the track.
I love you, girl.
Without even meaning to,
Zeke done messed around and uttered the three magic words
that finally opened the cookie jar.
But Zeke's victory was short-lived.
This cannot be good.
No, no, no.
Am I tripping, or was last night the best night of my life?
You got the cookie.
The cookie? I'm the cookie monster. You know what I got us? I got some latte...
Mya, I can explain that.
You lying-ass sack of shit!
I was just using this to defend myself.
Defending yourself against what?
Against your 90-Day Rule.
That was created for women to protect themselves from sorry-asses like you.
So I'm the villain, and you didn't even have the guts
to tell me that I was on a 90-day probation.
- I was gonna tell you. - Were you gonna tell me?
Yes, I was gonna tell you. But then, I thought I might amend it.
'Cause I thought you might actually be the one.
So, was any of it real?
Any of it? The wining, the dining? Calling me your girlfriend?
Or was that all just to get the cookie?
Wow.
You win, congratulations.
You got it, right? You won.
Mya, wait a minute. Mya, it was true.
Zeke, don't touch me!
God, you're so good.
You're so good.
Because even when I know that you're lying,
I still almost believe you.
In The Art of War, Sun Tzu wrote, "All warfare is based on deception."
He left out, "Only dumbasses get caught."
Baby, your phone!
Meanwhile, Candace didn't even need to find the book to get the message.
Michael Atwater's phone?
Tandace?
Loretta?
Listen, I'm calling to tell Michael that I don't need him to take me to church.
Deacon Johnson will be driving me to church.
Let me talk to him. Is he free?
He will be.
Here we go! Oh, slam dunk!
Michael.
Can I talk to you for a minute?
What?
You'll see.
Duke, get in the house.
Baby, did you see that boy's skills?
If I keep on...
What's wrong, baby? What's up?
Your work just called.
And I thought it might be an emergency, so I picked up.
But it was just your mom.
Really? You know, the T-Mobile Top Five be acting up...
Don't bullshit me, Michael.
Baby, listen, I know how that looks, but trust me, this isn't...
Trust? I believed you.
I can't compete with your mother. And I won't.
You don't have to...
Then why did you look me in my face and lie?
You need to go.
Baby, listen I...
Get out of my face, Michael.
And Candace wasn't the only one who was all business that day.
Hey, beautiful.
- Hi. - How are you?
- I have a 2 o'clock, so... - You look stunning.
Thank you.
So, you said you had some news?
Yeah. My investor friend that I told you about?
Read your prospectus, loves it, and wants you to give him a call.
You serious?
I told you it was brilliant.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Okay, we gotta go celebrate. Let's go out tonight.
I'm not free tonight.
Okay, well, what about tomorrow night, then?
Dominic, I'm gonna hit you with the headline, okay?
I recently reconnected with an ex-boyfriend of mine from college.
Anyway, he just got a divorce and is moving back to LA and I...
You breaking up with me?
No! No, I'm not breaking up, just taking a break.
- I need some space. - Space.
- Yeah, because we were moving too fast... - Yeah, you sound like a guy.
What did you say?
I said you sound like a guy.
Is that why you invited me to this place? For a business lunch?
So you can have an out-time?
Dominic, look, I really like you.
Okay? I didn't want to string you along. Let's just be friends.
Yeah, I don't really need any more friends, Lauren.
You know, and I really don't need your friends to let me down easy.
Okay, don't be stupid, Dominic. That's business, not personal.
Do you even know the difference?
You know, Lauren, I...
I never even had a prospectus, you know? I did it all to impress you.
You inspired me, you motivated me to do something for myself for the first time.
And all this time, I thought you were too good for me.
Kris? Picked up some pizza.
What I don't get is just like the book, I was the guy with potential.
I told her the truth, I put myself out there, and it still wasn't enough.
At least you didn't get caught in a flat-out lie.
Y'all should see how bad things are with Candace right now.
Kristen wouldn't even look at me when I showed up at Gina's.
She'll change her mind.
Nah. You did not see the way she looked at me. Such...
- Hate? - Hurt.
It's hate. Women will hate you fast.
Either way, fellas. I think we brought this upon ourselves.
It was self-defense. They attacked first! We had to strike back.
We were just protecting our natural-born right to be men. Am I right?
- Right. - Right.
Love us or leave us, right?
Right!
And they left us.
Right.
We're back.
Take all the time you need.
Thanks.
Zeke, check it out.
Your right. My left.
Not my type.
That's how we do it, Zeke. I line them up, you mow them down.
Can I have my tab?
- You can only get it once a year. - What kind of meat is in the McRib?
- Fellas. - Let me guess,
school pictures?
You look like a substitute teacher.
I finally sent my résumé over to Neversoft. I had my meeting today.
And they just called. I got the job.
- Is that right? - Congratulations, man!
I'm a senior designer at Neversoft. With full benefits.
Damn right, and the next step is the expense card.
I gotta call Kris.
She not talking to you, huh?
- No. - Well, you should call her anyway.
She's the reason it happened, right?
Yeah.
That's good advice, right there. How's that project going along?
It's going great. In fact,
I'm gonna have to get out of here soon and go get some work done.
You know what we should do? We should celebrate, right?
- Nice. Yes. - New job, first round's on Michael.
- Yes. I like that. - No, no. I just had the last round...
This is nice, just the fellas.
Just like old times.
No, it's not like old times because I don't have a curfew this time.
Speaking of curfew, I gotta go. My night to cook.
Bennett, you sound like a bitch.
We just got finished hearing good news, we with the fellas, we drinking.
He running home all henpecked. Come on, man!
I'm not cooking 'cause I have to, I'm cooking 'cause I want to, that's my wife.
Come on, now, Bennett.
I'm not saying it like that, I'm saying just, right now...
Don't be mad at me 'cause I got a wife at the house.
That means sometimes I can't hang out all night with you guys,
I gotta go home early then that's what I gotta do.
I'm just saying.
I got this round.
- I'm happy for you, congratulations. - Thank you.
- I'll see you guys. - Big B!
You're $20 short, Bennett.
Yeah, no, I used to cook for Gail on Thursdays. That was my day.
I'm happy we're free. I really am.
I'm telling you right now, we're better off without them.
Yeah, I mean, who needs to put up with their shit?
And their demands, the nagging...
The expectations. Expectation is the catalyst for all of that.
- Here we go. - You know what's funny?
Gail used to love it when I cooked Bolognese sauce from scratch.
Like, that was her favorite, so...
All right, boys, we are free to do whatever we want,
with whoever we want, whenever we want, all right? To freedom!
Freedom!
Ced, lift your glass, man, get involved.
- Right, I'm sorry. No, no, no. - Take that shot, baby.
To freedom.
Bottoms up.
Don't need them.
I gotta piss.
I'll be right back.
Look like you gotta take a dump, the way you moving.
What?
Gail, ain't nobody calling to fight with you right now.
- What the hell do... - Look! I'm coming home.
Really, Cedric?
Gail, let me tell you something. That's my house, too, Gail!
I pay the bills in that house! It's my house, too. I'm coming home.
Which is where I belong, girl.
Gail, I'm tired of this tough shit. I miss you, Gail.
Gail, I ain't been the same, man.
I'm out here, I'm out here on these streets and shit.
I'm out here in the strip clubs.
These girls calling me by my first name, like, I'm there every day!
Which I am, but that's because I'm going through something, Gail.
I need to be held. I need you to rub my back. Put me in my onesie.
I changed, I need my woman back!
I'm around all these men and shit!
I don't want it. I don't want that life no more, I want you and Jesus.
And that's it.
Okay, Big Daddy.
What you say?
How soon can you get here?
Like... Like 20, 22, 23 minutes.
Bring your sexy ass home. I'll be waiting.
You want me to bring you something? You want like, some Doritos, or something?
'Cause I can stop and get it, baby. Whatever makes you happy.
- Just come home. - Okay.
All right, I love you.
Oh, shit.
Thank you.
Yup.
Good shit, brother. Go home to Gail.
Just wipe shit on my back?
You didn't even wash your hands, man?
Who the hell shits with a hat on, anyway?
- She said she was coming from Shanghai. - I remember her.
Fellas, I will see you later.
Let's all cash out, we'll go together. You going to the Ass Factory, right?
Gail is taking me back, I'm going home.
Home!
Girl, I am married. Please!
Thank you. Married man!
That night, we all realized that the plots,
plans and schemes couldn't compare to one simple thing, the truth.
Mama!
Oh, what the hell?
Hey, baby.
Oh, flowers, breakfast. Yeah.
You're a little early, sweetie.
I know, but I wanted to come by so I could tell you that
I'm not gonna be able to make it to the anniversary today, Mom.
There's some place I gotta be.
Well, it's our 75th at the church.
What's wrong, sweetie? Where you gotta be?
With Candace. At her family reunion, Mom.
Well, good for you.
Okay, sweetie.
- Really? - All right.
Now, I'm gonna see you tomorrow, okay? Time for you to go.
Loretta, it's my turn to spank you.
Deacon Johnson?
- You got the keys for these? - Put those down, fool!
How long has this been going on?
Ninety days.
More like 91. I'm sorry I stretched your T-shirt.
How you doing, Michael?
- All right, fool, go on upstairs now. - You know, these pills cost $19.
Mom, you got him with my loofah?
Baby, go on. Go ahead, go ahead.
Listen here, fool!
I done told you I'd bring that coffee upstairs, you old, nasty fool.
Look who I found.
Okay, third time I hope is a charm.
Actually, I think it is.
- Go ahead, tell them. - We want to make an offer.
- I told you this was gonna happen. - No, you didn't, actually.
This is great news. We sort of had an instinct about you guys.
Kris?
Jeremy, what are you doing here?
I need to talk to you.
Yeah, I can't. I'm in the middle of something.
This is important.
Not a problem. Take your time.
I'm gonna get the paperwork, and we can get started.
I'm really sorry.
Did someone die?
What? No.
Well, you have a suit on, so I...
- I got the job at Neversoft, Kris. - Really?
Yeah.
I mean, that's cool. I hope you didn't do it for my benefit.
I did. At first.
But somehow, through all the pretending,
I figured out I wanted it for me.
And now that I have it, I want it for us.
You were the first person I wanted to call when I got the news,
and the fact that I couldn't drove me crazy.
You're the last person I think about before I go to sleep at night, Kris.
Look,
I miss you.
Oh, honey.
I miss you and I want you back.
So sweet.
I want to buy you a house.
That's my man, step up there.
I want to buy you this house.
Back up, bitch. You ain't buying my house.
Oh, it's fine.
How the hell he talking about buying my house?
Breathe.
I'm breathing, I'm breathing. I got it, I got it.
Okay.
I want to be your wife. And I want you to be my husband...
I want to be your husband.
And I want you to be my wife
so bad.
So...
Will you marry me?
It's a yes.
- Oh, she did it. - Go ahead, my man.
- She did it 'cause she changed the game. - She did what?
Don't worry about it.
Even Zeke was singing a new tune.
That last one was Bitch Betta Have My Money by AMG.
I don't really feel like being out of the house right now.
Come on. You know the best way to get over an old guy is to get a new one.
- You're coming. - ...make sure you show him some love.
Zeke, come on up.
Hey, thank you.
Oh, my God.
I haven't really played this song in years...
Is that...
...but it was inspired by a very special woman who
is definitely worth waiting for.
Last night I had a dream about a dream
About you
- I gotta get out of here. - Mya!
Mya!
Mya, will you hold up? Mya?
You think you can just sing one song and everything's gonna be forgotten?
No! I was just hoping it would be a start.
You know what? You know, you can't change a person's nature, Zeke.
That is not true. I know for a fact that that's not true.
- How? - Because I want to start over.
I want 90 more days.
Without sex?
If that's what it takes.
I don't want the sex, Mya. I want you.
That's bullshit.
Okay, that's bullshit. Yes! Of course I want the sex.
But the difference is the sex is all I wanted before I met you. Now,
I want you.
Okay?
Now? I want coffee.
I want to stay up all night talking about your crazy childhood. I want...
I don't know. I want to talk about Aristotle's Caves.
It's Plato's.
Plato got caves, too?
Yeah.
Mya, I love you.
I'm in love with you.
I've never said that to anyone in my life.
Then why didn't you just say so?
Turns out that my epiphany had a domino effect.
Everyone was actually stepping up with their women. For real this time.
I didn't get any of this.
Candace? Your mother tells me that you're still single.
Don't worry about it, because I think I have a solution.
I have somebody I think would be perfect for you at my office. Her name is Amy.
Her? She's not in that chapter.
Well, she might want to read the book, honey.
Mom! Mom!
Thanks, Duke. I got this.
- Hi, ladies. - Look at that face!
Nice to see you all.
What are you doing here? Isn't today your mom's church thing?
Yeah, it is.
So, what? Did it get canceled?
It did not. What's up with all these damn questions, woman?
I just thought you needed to be there.
Why would I be there when I should be here,
with the number one woman in my life?
So, since you're thinking so much,
why don't you think about putting a burger on that plate
with some pickles and some mustard?
I'm sorry,
did you just say "number one"?
Oh, so you're not believing? Hold on one second.
Ladies and gentlemen? Excuse me?
Hi, I need everybody's attention, please? Hey, everybody... Yeah.
Thank you.
My name is Michael Hanover, and I want you all to know
I am madly, and I am insanely in love with Candace Hall.
And I just want everybody in the world to know
that she's the number one woman in my life.
Thanks, everybody.
Now back to the reunion!
Is that okay with you?
What do you want on your damn burger?
I don't give a damn, girl. I came for you. Come here.
And so, the book ended happily for all of us.
Well, almost all of us.
Hey, girl. Haven't seen you in a while.
I know. I'm sorry, I've been swamped.
So what are you up to later today?
Actually, I have a date with James, finally.
Between his CEO and my COO, it seems we never see each other.
What else is new?
Anyway. You got any plans for later?
Actually, the three of us are going to Dominic's grand opening.
He found a backer for his restaurant?
No. He got a personal loan for a food truck. It's called...
Avenue D.
It's in Pueblo Plaza. He wants to start small, build his way up.
Good for him, you know?
Anyway, have fun tonight.
Oh, we will.
Thank you.
So, James, how was your day?
It was good. Actually, it was... It was great.
Did I mention to you that The Wall Street Journal is doing a feature on me?
- Yes, the... - "Wonderkid." Yeah, I know.
"The Wonderkid."
I know I'm not exactly a kid,
but I am the youngest CEO of a Fortune 500 company.
Yes, we talked...
Now I'm focusing my sights on the Far East.
I was talking to Warren the other day. You know Warren Buffett?
Dub-Beezy, that's my man.
He was telling me about diversification.
So, I bought a G6. Okay, all right. The company bought a G6.
New York to Los Angeles costs about $60,000.
They put that down every time I go.
Also talked to my man, Kobe, the other day.
He was trying to get me to buy an NBA franchise.
I'm fine, James.
Thanks for asking.
I'm sorry, I don't understand.
I know.
I know, but I finally do.
All right, all right, all right.
All right, a little something.
Just a little sample for the ladies. Fellas, I'll get you back later.
Come on, Dom!
Give that to the wife. To your lady, okay, good, there you go.
All right, one more? There you go, there you go, J.
I'll be right back. Thanks for coming.
- I'll be right back. - This is amazing.
Next!
I'll take the Chef's Special.
Is that with chicken or...
- Hey, back of the line. - Look, this is personal, not business.
Move your arm!
Congratulations.
Looks like a huge success.
I wasn't expecting you.
I couldn't miss your grand opening.
Live bass ceviche?
Sal, those two lasagnas are to-go.
You got it.
So, where's your CEO?
I ended that.
Dominic!
He may have all the money in the world, and all the power,
- but he doesn't have half your potential. - Stop!
Stop.
I don't need you to do that for me anymore. I'm doing me, now.
All right?
Thanks for coming, but I got a business to run.
I'm sure you can respect that, right?
- But I was... - Next!
What's good here, man? Do you have a low-fat Pork Special?
- Sure. - Let's roll with it.
Dominic?
Excuse me. What are you doing?
I want you back, Dominic.
- Guys, just give me a minute, please. I know. - We gotta finish this up.
I'm sorry.
- What are you doing? - I want you back.
Yeah, listen, I'm not an acquisition. You can't just decide...
- I'm asking. - Oh, yeah? And I'm asking for some service.
You'll get your pork sausage, Porky! Beat it!
Lauren, listen, we're just too different, okay?
Yes, we are different. But I think that's a good thing.
What you need is status. You need titles.
- I don't care about... - No, I don't.
What I need is a man who makes me feel like I'm special.
I don't care about his title,
and I don't care how much money you make,
I don't care what kind of car you drive. I just need you.
Please? I'm sorry.
I think ultimately we want different things.
No.
I disagree.
I think we want the exact same thing.
What's that?
Well, first,
I would like to have my Chef's Special, hold the pork.
Go, Dom! All right, come on, man, that's enough kissing.
Grab her ass or something.
That's my girl!
Show me something, God! Give me something to think about tonight.
You know I haven't had much sex.
Me and Gail ain't really doing it like we used to.
Really, Cedric?
- Come on, now. - Get your little ass over here, now!
Hey, Gail, I was talking...
Pull your pants up, Cedric!
I'll get the guy in the purple.
- Hi, I'm Bennett. - Use our ball?
I'll see you on the court! Save it... Save it for the game, though!
Listen, little man. Where's your twin?
You're gonna need somebody on your shoulders.
That's funny. That's real funny.
Let's see if it's funny when my balls are on your back!
- Ball's in play. Let's go. - Oh, shit.
Pass the ball, man!
You gonna play some defense?
Wait, wait, wait!
Pass!
Just shoot the ball.
You better get that out of here, little man. You all right?
Hey, no making fun.
Good shot.
- Good shot? - It was!
- Bennett, be a man and push him! - It was a good shot.
Pick on someone your own size, man.
Oh, my knee!
Man, you better calm down.
He put his balls on my head.
Where's my help on defense?
Get out of here!
Bennett! Jeremy!
I'm trying to get my ball back! Can I have the ball, please?
Just let them keep it. Let them keep it.
- Thanks, you guys! - Go get that.
Hey, we play here every Thursday.
That wasn't that bad.
Think about it.
Well, I think it was a good time. It's all about the exercise, guys.